Yesterday I discovered that I got a less than desirable mark on my creative writing assignment I handed in in April; it was a collection of my own poetry, which I thought were really good. Obviously not. Over the 3 years at uni, my marks for the creative writing assignments have generally decreased. I am not looking forward to receiving my creative writing dissertation back with this trend.
It feels like a real kick in the teeth.
I have this image in my head of a home office. It is full of character and decorated with quirky accessories, pictures and nik naks from my travels; books line the length of one wall, and at an antique table by the window is me, typing away on my computer. Working from home on my next big idea, occasionally looking out across the countryside and getting up to make dinner for the family; maybe indulging in a good book in a big comfy armchair when the ideas just aren’t coming to me.
This fantasy only seems to be getting further and further away from me. I have no money so that’s goodbye to the house in the countryside, the antique furniture, and the holidays on which I’ll collect those nik naks. But the big thing is that I don’t have a natural talent for writing, I work hard at what I write, and these declining marks from my tutors tell me that I am just not working hard enough. I need to summon up more motivation and more of a drive to work harder; summon them up from the very pit of my existence.
And because of my lack of direction I don’t know what to focus upon. I don’t know what kind of thing I am writing in this fantasy; as I said in my ‘Just for Now’ entry there are so many options out there for writers. The highest mark I have on these creative writing assignments was for my autobiography, the lowest ones for my poetry and my novel. Based on these I am good at writing about myself, not so good with fiction or poetry forms. Not too sure that this is a good thing, can’t imagine my autobiography being a best seller; I’m no celebrity.
Maybe I’m just trying to take big gravity moon steps, getting ahead of myself when really I should be taking baby steps, taking things one day at a time. Pull up that motivation and drive from somewhere and just keep writing, find my voice, and hone my skills. I shouldn’t give up on my writing dream just yet; it’s just difficult to want to follow my dream when everything seems to be telling me that I am not that good.
After collecting my creative writing assignment, I left uni, putting my ipod on as I walked toward the bus stop. The first song that played was Oasis, ‘Keep the dream Alive’, I’m hoping that this is a sign for me to keep going, that I will get my dream eventually; that my declining marks are just a glitch that will soon mean nothing. Here’s hoping anyway.