Being out of work with no more uni commitments gives me a lot of time to contemplate things. And recently I have been contemplating feelings of being lost in this world.
Throughout our lives we are given labels; infant, child, teenager, school pupil, student, adult; even our jobs define us; butcher, baker, candlestick maker. In this transitory period I find myself, in between uni and work, I have no label. People may not like being labelled but sometimes it helps to define ourselves. I’m not a student anymore, not a teenager and not yet an adult, I’m not anything. And this feeling of being a nobody is just contributing to my feeling of being lost because I’m not too sure what I want to do with my life.
I know it is just one of those things that will go away when I get a job, even when it is just a for now job; I’ll get some kind of label and I won’t feel like a complete nobody. It’s hard to focus on that idea that everything will be ok in the end when this phase of my life that I am in just seems to be getting bigger and all consuming.
And I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but compare myself to other people. There are all these celebrities who are my age who have achieved so much and have millions of pounds; then there is this guy I know who’s also finishing uni, but instead of going through the phase I’m going through, he’s got loads of options lined-up and exhibitions, he’s even been mentioned in prestigious magazines. It sucks. I feel like I’m working hard and getting nowhere, I’ve got nothing to show for myself. So not only do I feel lost in my life, I also feel inadequate in that I don’t feel I have achieved anything.
I read this magazine article, a long time ago now, but it was about how generations of people are being told that they can achieve anything that they want, that they can reach for the stars and achieve their dreams. The downside of this being that not everyone can achieve, somebody has got to fail; somebody has to do the less than desirable jobs; somebody has to leave their stars up in the sky. I’m not even sure of which stars I’m aiming for but I don’t want to be left behind. I won’t be happy in some dead-end job, and that is what I do know in my lost puppy phase of life.